Friday, December 31, 2010

Dealing With Emotions

We know as children grow up so many different things about their world begin to become more real. They begin to make realizations about situations, their surroundings, and things that we sometimes don’t take time to think about as we go through our daily lives. December proved to be a month of emotional growth, pain, and happiness for Selena, all wrapped up in one little package. She made many discoveries about herself during this month, some have come with many questions, while others have come with tears, anger, and the bittersweet of a child who is displaced from her parents. We knew this time would come, and had been seeing signs of the realities of Selena’s little world and have witnessed them coming out in various ways.

For instance Selena has always referred to her Mom by Kristi and Dad by David, this just seemed to make more sense to her to call them by their first names, since she truly did not have much of a face to place the name of Mommy and Daddy to. While she often reminds me that while we are Mama and Papa, Grandma and Grandpa, we are also Mom and Dad, you see to her we are all these things since we take care of her, yet she knows there are two other’s out there that carry the title of Mommy and Daddy, she refuses to refer to them by those names though, and insists on calling them by their first names. She even refuses to use her real last name, and will inform you at any given time that her last name is the same as Mama and Papa’s.

On Selena’s birthday, she received a call from her Dad, which made her very happy. You see though the person she really wanted a call from, her Mom, did not call her. I could see as the day was wearing on that Selena’s disposition was becoming anxious, mixed with anger and unhappiness. She even woke me up in the middle of the night, 3:30 to be precise and informed me that my phone was ringing and that it was Kristi, so I better get up and answer the phone. My heart sunk, and I had to fight to hold in the tears, as I cuddled her, while she fell back to sleep. She did receive a call from her Mom but not for two days later.

Just before Christmas, after her Uncle TJ called, she informed me that he was actually her brother. I asked her how she figured that. She informed me because I am his Mom, and I am Kristi’s Mom, and her mommy so that makes him her brother. I told her that while yes, these are true facts, that she has to remember that I am her grandma, so this makes TJ her Uncle. She didn’t argue with me, and went on with her play.

On Christmas, her Dad called that morning and wished her a Merry Christmas. Selena was thrilled to hear from him, but again she waited all day for the phone to ring. Finally that night just before bed time, her Mom called. As I announced that it was Kristi on the phone, Selena ran to her bedroom and hid. As I entered her bedroom and went to hand her the phone, she very firmly informed me that she did not want to talk to Kristi. At first I thought it was because she was too busy playing but then I noticed the look in her eyes, and there was a hint of pain, and anguish hidden deep inside. Papa hearing what had just happened, took over and talked to Selena. I am not sure what he said, as I was still talking to Kristi, but he talked Selena into at least wishing her Mom a Merry Christmas. Believe me, that was about all Selena said too. It was at this moment that we realized that Selena has reached the maturity level of understanding her little life.

We will get through this, I do not want Selena to hide her feelings, or pretend they do not exist, as that would be truly wrong. I do however, hope that we can teach her some kind of appropriateness when dealing with her parents, so that she doesn’t turn her pain into resentment from saying or doing things that she will regret later. While I could go through life angry at my daughter over this situation, I refuse to hold on to those negative emotions. That would not do Selena any favor to know that Mama and Papa are angry all the time at her Mommy. I will not dismiss my daughter’s actions, and will tell her when she has hurt Selena, in hopes that next time she will think before she acts. As for Selena, we know it is our duty to respect her feelings, while teaching her that she does have options of how she acts upon these feelings, hurts, and disappointments.

It is also our responsibility through these times to provide Selena with all the joy that any child should have. The joy of having a fun and exciting birthday to a fun and exciting Christmas. We hold the duty that each and every one of you as parents hold, and we take that responsibility seriously, and with much joy to provide her with wonderful memories. While we are beginning to realize that the holidays may always be an emotional rollercoaster to a point for Selena, we know that through love and patience she will learn to enjoy the good things and not worry about what could be. We know she wonders why Mom isn’t here to tuck her in at night, and why Dad isn’t here to play games with her, but she also knows that Mama and Papa are always here to do these things, and to give her as much love as we possibly can. We do not fear her questions, concerns, or emotions, but instead we embrace these times and trust that by working through them with her it will only bring us all closer together through this walk in our lives.

Pin It


  1. Oh, this must be so difficult for you. It's too bad that your daughter does not see what she is missing. I had wondered if her parents were part of her life; I'm sorry to hear that they really aren't. Well, in my opinion, you are the best parents for Selena and she is very blessed. My heart breaks for her though and the pain they cause her. It sounds like you are doing your best to help her deal with her emotions. She will never forget that.

  2. That is so hard. I'm impressed with how well you're handling it.

    And Selena is being such a brave little girl for such a hard thing.

  3. I am so sorry that you all have such a painful situation to deal with, but it looks like you guys are making the best of it.

    On a more light note, I have a blog award for you over at my blog.

  4. I'm glad Selena has her grandparents to look after her, and that her Dad did at least call both times. I hope your daughter can gain a greater understanding of the impact she has on Selena.

  5. I am impressed that you are teaching Selena forgiveness and acceptance while also doing your best to give her a happy childhood. I truly hope that her parents will be more involved as time goes on, so she can get to know them better, but it sounds like the best possible home for Selena and the place of unconditional love will always be you and Papa.

  6. My heart breaks for Selena and everyone involved. I pray for God's healing on your family. May He continue to bless you with strength and wisdom in raising Selena with great love. ((HUGS))