Counting My Blessings

Now that I know that I am cancer free, I truly feel free to tell my story and to count my blessings. I stopped blogging during my treatments as I just didn't want to drain everyone with my woes of the side affects, plus I wasn't able to focus enough to put words together. In fact I had the Internet shut off during that time as I did not want to be reading about my disease and getting information that was way more then I needed to know. All I truly needed to know was that God had me in his healing, loving arms, and that He was going to get me through everything.

Truly everything started 3 years ago when we found out that we were going to have our first grandchild. We knew from the get go that the State was going to be involved and rather then take the chance of never knowing where our grandchild would be, we made preparations to help raise her. Never did we think we would end up doing all the raising ourselves, but we still would not have it any other way.

God truly knew what He was doing though, as I had not had any symtom of Anal Cancer what so ever. Then I caught the flu from our granddaughter last summer. Yes, it was a bad case of the flu, but I just never got over it. I actually got an abcess on the tumor so the pain just continued to get worse. The first doctor I was seeing, just would not listen to me, so I made an appointment for a second oppinion. It became very apparent that I could not wait for that appointment so my husband took me to ER. It was actually the ER doctor that found the tumor, though at the time we still was not sure what it was.

It wasn't long before the wheels started spinning and I found myself going through tests almost daily while the doctors were putting the puzzle pieces together. "CANCER" what a fearful word in itself. I knew from the very get go though that God did not give us this little angel to raise to just take me away from her this soon. I just laid myself down at His feet and allowed Him to carry me through the rough road that I had to travel down. I could not focus to read my bible so I started copying it word for word in a notebook, and believe me I know I got more out of God's word by doing this then I would have just to read it. It is wonderful to look back on it now and realize how many books I actually copied during that time, 10 in all!

Selena, kept me busy and though she didn't understand why Grandma truly could not play with her like before, she was so content to be read to, play tea party, talk, or just be near me. She truly was my inspiration to get through everything.

Prior to my treatments starting I started writing in a journal, actually I have kept a journal most of my life, but this was a special journal, where I made myself count my blessings everyday. This allowed me to keep focused on what God was doing through me during this time and not feel sorry for myself, or feel any anger or feeling that Satan could use to work against what God had planned. Looking back and reading these entries have given me much joy now that all of this is behind me.

An entry in my Journal on November 9, 2008:

Sometimes we wonder why god allows us to endure such obstacles at times that we just want total peace. Today I hurt horribly bad all through church to the point I had to stand through the service, yet when we started home the pain was relieved. I know God was using that this morning so I have no reason to be angry nor ask why. I just pray that for what ever reason God had in having me endure that this morning that His will was done.

I wrote about a young teen who came to me after the service and showed no fear at all about asking me questions about my cancer. After my treatments were all over, I found out that she had fallen quite ill, and was hospitalized, not ever really finding out what made her sick, but she beamed as she gave her testimony that the whole time she knew God was with her and healing her.

God truly does know what He is doing even in our times of trials. He uses us during these times to build up the faith in those around us, and he also uses these times to bring others to know him, I know that so well, as two of my three brothers became saved during this time. God does do good in all that He does!